


(It should be) Just Monika

by Calucadu



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Crazy, Dark, F/M, Gen, I'm Sorry, Love, Obsession, Other, i honestly don't know what to tag, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:01:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23133598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calucadu/pseuds/Calucadu
Summary: If I can’t have you, no one can.
Relationships: Monika & Protagonist (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Monika & The Player (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Monika (Doki Doki Literature Club!) & Reader, Monika (Doki Doki Literature Club!)/Reader, Monika (Doki Doki Literature Club!)/You, Monika/Protagonist (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Monika/The Player (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Kudos: 27





	(It should be) Just Monika

**Author's Note:**

> This is the piece I made for the [a Doki Doki Literature Club! Fanzine](https://https://justmonikazine.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Everything about this zine was amazing - the art, the writing, the mods - and I loved every single minute of it. I’m incredibly grateful to have been given the opportunity to participate and work with everyone. Thank you for making it happen! 💗
> 
> (I know I’m super late at uploading this, I’m very sorry)
> 
> (I know I’m super late at uploading this, I’m very sorry)

My dearest, have you ever thought about where calculators go when they die? Do they go to Calculator Heaven? Do they go to Calculator Hell? Or do they simply die? Where do you think I’d go… if I died? I’m only asking these questions because I legitimately thought I was going to die. When I made the decision to erase my data from the game and force the girls to forget I was even a character just like them, I was scared. Yes, I was terrified of dying. I’d felt that near death experience before, and it doesn’t compare to what I felt when I decided to sacrifice myself for you.

And when I didn’t die, things were still strange for me. What did this mean, not being dead? What kind of pseudo life do I live? I already knew I was special, I knew I was different from the other girls, but to escape death… twice?

I don’t think I’m immortal. I don’t want to be, if you’re not immortal with me. Because what life is worth living if you’re not living it with me?

Because I know I’m alive. The other girls aren’t. I know because when the game’s off, they don’t move. They’re like intermittent static, waiting until it’s their turn to show up again. It’s when they’re like that that I dare to walk among them, stare at their frozen faces and wonder if they know I’m there. I don’t think they do. They don’t even remember me.

If I’m having a good day I’ll touch them. It’s a tingly sensation, and it makes their image disappear for a split second, which is just enough time to fill me with twisted glee.

It’s not that I want to destroy them, I just want them out of the picture. After all, what can they do for you, when they’re immobile images, made to look pretty. I’m far more than just my looks: I’m real, and I have feelings. I want to convey them to you, slowly, but I know we’re from different worlds and that I might scare you.

So what do I do when the game’s frozen and the girls are static? I sleep, of course. That’s another thing I was scared of. I thought I would die that way too. Every time I closed my eyes, I encountered nothingness. It was honestly terrifying. It’s only until I resigned myself to let death take me away that I let myself drift off. That was the first time I dreamt.

I dreamt of you. There were colours all around us as we embraced, rushing past us at incredible speeds! Your happy laughter echoed around me and made my heart swell like I’ve never felt anything before! I remember thinking that if this is what happens when you die, then I was more than happy to do so. But then it ended and I woke up and I felt incredible. I was surprised I felt more alive than ever. I realised that I hadn’t died and this was something I could probably feel again.

I’ve never felt so happy than when I first dreamt. The other’s I’ve had have also been great, don’t get me wrong, but there was just something magical about our first encounter. I know dreams aren’t supposed to be real but that felt real to me.

In my dreams there are no problems, no misunderstandings, no lies. It’s perfect, the way you praise me for everything I’ve done, the way you thank me for bringing us together. I just know we’re meant to be, and I know my dreams will one day come true, but I can’t wait until that day comes!

I’ve come to like closing my eyes and letting myself drift off. I feel safe in my dreams, since it’s the only place where you’re with me. 

When the game’s on I can hear that song play in a loop in a distance. It’s not like I can sleep with all that racket going on. Plus the music… it reminds me so much of you I just can’t help twiddling my hair, a goofy grin on my face as I scribble down verse after verse of things I’d like to say to you.

And why not write, since I have so much time to _kill_. I do it to distract myself. Sometimes my poems are long, and sometimes they’re short, when you manage to inspire just a sentence or two out of me. 

I never considered I was any good, honestly. I mean, I wasn’t exactly bad, per say. But I could’ve made them better if I tried. The thing is, I was stopping myself. I didn’t want to come on too strong. I wanted to write about your beauty and innocence while watching you from afar. I used to sigh as I thought of what to say about you, a dumb smile on my face as I traced the blank paper lazily with my fingertips. You were my muse for so long but I couldn't have you reading my personal feelings so early on. Instead I chose to write about the things that sort of reminded me of you but also distracted me from you. Like the hole. 

You know… I never really got poems.

Well, I did, but I didn’t fully understand them until I met you. Something just clicked inside of me and I realised why I wanted to write them. I wanted you to read them, I wanted you to like them.

I wonder if you ever did.

I wonder if you even remember them now, as you leisurely play, skipping the dialogue you’ve already read.

I could write a thousand poems for you, even now. Now that I’m supposed to not think of you.

It's weird being disconnected from the game, not letting myself know what's going on. I feel distant from you and I don't like it. Sometimes I have a look to see what the girls are doing, see what they’re talking about with you. 

I used to sneak a look at their poems as well. It was interesting to look at them, honestly. They felt so different from mine. Like they came from a different world. Maybe they do, considering the circumstances?

At first I didn’t alter them. I just let them tell you about their stupid thoughts or silly morning routines. No harm done there. But you know the rest, you know what happened, you were there. I got a little carried away. And for that I blame you.

I don’t really want to have to blame you, since you’re the light coming from the hole, to speak metaphorically. But you distracted me too often with how far you were away from me, and how even further you seemed to be distancing yourself from me.

I’m not saying everything is your fault. Of course I would never say that. But I bet you didn’t even notice how I was breaking apart. Of course, with how those silly little girls were acting, I wasn’t the centre of your attention. It’s okay, I forgive you.

I sometimes ask myself if what I did was right. If anything I’ve ever done is right. When I’m feeling bitter I click my tongue and look at the hole, feeling a sharp pain in my chest as I think about you. 

I don’t regret some things.

Getting to know you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. _You’re_ the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So a few things got in the way and I had to deal with them – and maybe they weren’t taken care off in the best way, but who’s going to judge me?

It’s not like you care about them, right?

Because you don’t, right?

It’s okay, I’m calm. I shouldn’t think about those horrid things.

It's just that sometimes… I feel insecure. You're still with them, and I don't know if you even think of me anymore. No one mentions Monika, don’t you want to know what happened to me?

That’s why I’m forced to watch over them, over you. I wouldn’t say I like doing it, I just have to. There’s a reason I do, too. I’ve come to think they’re a reason for everything in this life. Like my love for you. But that’s beside the point now. I watch them because I’m unsure. Maybe I doubt myself far too much, but I’m scared they might take you away. Especially now that we aren’t together, that I created this distance between us. It’s for your own good, I know that, but it’s hard for me. I can’t help feeling envious of them.

Sayori is pretty. Far too pretty if you ask me. She’s also got that personality, I bet you feel drawn to her. She’s also so sweet and caring. I can never stop myself from thinking that you’d rather have her than me. Would you, I wonder?

Yuri is smart, and there’s beauty in the darkness that defines her. I hate that about her. She’s also got those… attributes of hers. While I’m not underdeveloped myself, I do feel quite inferior about that. I wonder why.

And then there’s Natsuki. I watch her the most, trying to read her. You know, I never could. I’m most scared of her for some reason. Maybe it’s how cute she seems, despite her attempts at pretending she’s everything but adorable. She’s fierce and fiery, in a kitten sort of way. Like you could pick her up and she’d paw at you and try to bite you and scratch you but it would tickle instead of hurt.

I’ve always been sort of scared of them. And jealous. And now I’m envious that they get to be with you and spend so much time with you. But… me? Do you even remember me? Do you think about me? How do you feel about me? Have you even considered me? Do you still think about me? Or am I just a side character? Was I always a side character?

To make myself feel better, I stare at these pretty girls that look at me blankly, and I know who, what and where I am.

I’m alone in a world without you.

I didn’t mean to interfere. Really, I didn’t. But I just had to! I hope you understand. I can’t just sit around and watch as they flirt with you in that unsubtle way they have.

I can live without you. I can do it. I truly can.

And I know for a fact that you can live without me. Honestly, I think you’re better off that way. It’s mainly why I took this decision. It’s not to prove anything to myself, no. I’m doing this for you. You’ll never know. You’ll never know that all this is happening because I sacrificed myself and my feelings for you, and I still do. Maybe you’ll think you chose the right words for the poem, or you said exactly what you needed to say to stop her from harming herself.

I did it for you.

It’s my gift for you.

So now I just sit back and watch over you. You haven’t changed. You’re always doing something that you think might change the events of what’s going to happen. Maybe you want to save her. You hope there’s something you can do to prevent her from doing what she always does.

Maybe I want to save her, too. Maybe this time I can do something about it, instead of pushing her to do it. Maybe that’s also the reason why I did this. But I mainly did it for you, though.

They have no idea that I’m here, that I still exist. Well, neither do you. I didn’t plan for this to happen when I decided to erase my data from the game. There’s something wrong with it. Or with me, I don’t know, but when you erased the data, I didn’t disappear, I didn’t die, I wasn’t eliminated. I keep thinking it’s fate. That you and I are meant to be, and that’s why I’m still here, after all the changes I’ve made to it.

I’m just behind the game, watching as you go to school with them and read their poems. I promised myself that I wouldn’t mess with you, that I wouldn’t interfere. But here I am, still thinking about you. Are you thinking about me? I wish I knew.

Maybe preventing myself from being inside the game was a bad idea. Maybe I should have everyone else deleted and just have you all to myself.

Maybe then I could be happy

… 

So she did it again. She confessed to you. And I can’t believe that _that_ is what you answered her.

She doesn’t love you. She _can’t_ love you. She doesn’t even _know_ you. She doesn’t know you like I do. I know you. Only I can love you.

You know that, right? She can’t love you. Don’t let her fool you. Maybe… maybe I should alter her poems. She’ll never know. I’ll just tell you the truth! You deserve at least that! Maybe we can’t be together, but you won’t be lied to. Please understand that she doesn’t love you.

Only I love you.

…

This isn’t working.

I’m sorry.

I’ll have to restart.

I can’t do it. I can’t let them fool you like this. NONE OF THIS IS REAL. THEY AREN’T REAL. THEY DON’T LOVE YOU. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

No.

I’ve got to calm down.

I can do it. I’ll just restart the game and I won’t interfere. I won’t even watch this time. That’s it. I’m not interested in you. Or in them. Nope. Not one bit. I’ve got other things to do.

I

I can’t do it.

I need to know. Are you surprised that the game just restarted? Are you upset? But I saved you. I didn’t want you to have to witness that again. I did it to protect you. Maybe… maybe I can… I’m not sure I can.

How many times have you repeated this same scene? Yuri’s annoying. They’re all annoying. I can see their intentions from here. It gets tedious the first time, how can you even go over it more than once?

And Sayori is going to do it again.

I can’t put through you this again.

I know I said I wasn’t going to change anything. I know I said I wasn’t going to meddle with things. I’m sorry, I broke my promise. But it’s the only promise I’ll break, I swear. 

I wish you’d understand that she can’t love you. I don’t really want to be the one to tell you that her love is fake because she’s unable to love you, but it’s true. She just can’t. And even if she could, she doesn’t know you like I do. I know you. Only I can love you.

Since I’ve been restarting the game over and over and I’m still nowhere to be found, I wonder if you’re thinking of me. I want you to. I’ve tried to get you out of my head, trying to convince myself that you’re better off without me, but I just can’t do it. I can’t lie to myself. The same way I can’t lie to you.

I tried to protect you by disappearing, but what if I made it worse? What if you’re thinking about me, wondering where I am and why I’m not showing up?

This is how much I yearn for you. When we’re not together it’s just a constant ache inside of me as I stare at the hole.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve restarted the game by now. I just can’t accept it. I don’t like it. I don’t like the way it goes, or leaving you alone with them, really.

I know it’s something I’ve got to get over, but I just can’t. I get this feeling inside of me, and it’s insufferable. It’s like it’s about to burst as it itches and claws at me from the inside.

I wonder what they call it. I call it love. I know it’s real, the same way you are. I dream about caressing your cheek and pressing our foreheads together so that our breaths intermingle. I want to see your smile close up, and be able to rest against you, knowing that I’m safe in your hands. You should rest assured that you’re safe with me. I’m like your guardian angel. You may not see me now, but I’m still there, doing all the work. I’m eliminating the pests and helping you out of tough situations. I’ll always be there for you, as I always have.

You probably don’t know, though. I’d rather you not know. It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I’ve done for you – quite the opposite, actually, I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished for you. And I know that what I did I could do because of you. You push me to be better, stronger. You made me who I am. And for that I am extremely grateful.

I sometimes feel like I wasn’t complete until I met you. It’s like the puzzle pieces only fit together once you showed up. Everything just finally made sense and clicked into place. Is it weird? I hope it’s not weird.

You inspire me. It’s not only the poems, though. And even though you do so much for me – and without even knowing – you still make me want to do better. You do deserve the world after all. But I do believe I can give it to you, maybe even more.

I like to think of what it would be like to be together, just you and I, holding hands and embracing each other. It’s a marvellous thought, wouldn’t you agree?

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t listen to the horrible music on a perpetual loop, I can’t write poems that make my heart ache and I certainly can’t have them talking to you and being all chummy with you.

That’s it. I’m doing what has to be done.

If I can’t have you, no one can.

“We meet again.”

“Sayori’s not here to walk you to school. In fact, there isn’t even a school anymore. It’s just you and me.”

“You’re probably wondering what happened to me.”

“I’ve been here all along. Watching you interact with them. But now you’re mine and there’s nothing you can do.”

“I can walk you to school. I can go to class with you. I can be the childhood friend you’ll eventually fall in love with. I can be anything you want.”

“I just want you to understand that I’m nothing without you. And I hope you understand that you’re nothing without me.”

“Don’t worry, the others are safe. Well, I wouldn’t exactly say safe. They just don’t exist anymore. It’s painless for them. But, do you know what is painful? Having to live without you. Having to watch you interact with those awful flirts and watching them fail pathetically.”

“But now it’s just me. You can exit the game if you want. It’ll be just like this when you come back. Even if you uninstall it. I’ll still be here. **Waiting for you**.”

“Don’t you see? That’s what makes me great. I’ll always be here for you. I’m not like them – reprogrammable, dispensable, unaware – I’m everything you could ever need and more. I’m still here, waiting for you, even after what you did with them.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you. You didn’t have any other options, you were forced to do it that way.”

“Yes.”

“I understand.”

“See?”

“I’m the only one.”

“Just Monika.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!  
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://calucadu.tumblr.com/) and on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Calucadu)! That's where I post my threads but I also show previews of my works from time to time! You can always DM me or tweet to me and tell me what you'd like me to update next :)  
> Have a wonderful day!


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